For twelve years, I have worked within the vineyard of Public Relations, primarily in the realm of authors and publishing houses. This is a place where stories and characters abound, and where the echoes of the words spoken and written by The Unique and The Mysterious gain additional luster down the years. I’ve had the pleasure of working with million-selling authors such as Shirley MacLaine, Marianne Williamson, John Gray, Neale Donald Walsch, Lynn Andrews and many others, including Dr Mark Goulston, for whom I set up the assignment of writing Rick Rockwell’s questions on Fox’s “So You Want To Marry A Multi-Millionaire” in 2000, thus launching “Reality TV”.

But none of these authors ever contacted me directly. They were all referred. And none of them ever contacted me at 1:00 AM on my private cell phone number, which only five very close friends have. When I clicked open the phone, I also did not think it would turn out to be a powerhouse of a funny man; yet a man with a mysterious background.

Biff MacAllister is both a marketing and public relations legend in the private sector, having worked on multi-million dollar campaigns for famous companies that are household names. But he has also done similar work for our Government, much of which, or more to the point ALL of which, he cannot divulge.

During our first phone conversation, he told me to check my second floor balcony and to enjoy the package. With some trepidation I retrieved the plain-wrap parcel from next to my fully flowering begonias, and sure enough: it contained a book. My specialty.

Next day, I read For Men Only, the book he had left, and could not put it down, except when wracked by too much laughter. I finished it in one athletic laughing fit of several hours duration and then called the number typed onto a plain 3 x 5 index card left inside the book, wondering who this new comedic genius was.

Sure enough, Biff, through his research and contacts had targeted me as the person he wanted to represent his book to prospective agents and publishers. He said he wanted to get started right away. I have a hard and fast rule that I meet face-to-face with a potential client before agreeing to work with him or her. Biff was not pleased with this, but reluctantly agreed, under certain conditions. This is a nearly accurate transcript of our meeting and my Q&A with Biff MacAllister. Note: Biff insisted that I bring no tape recorder or note pad to the meeting. He alerted me to the fact that he would share as much as he could about himself but most would have to be off the record. Another JD Salinger, I wondered. Another Thomas Pynchon? What gives? And also, is a client like this worth all the trouble. Well…….. I think you will find the answer is “yes”.

TOM: Biff, thank you for taking the time to meet with me. And to start: For Men Only is just brilliant….it is an incisive and very funny look at the world I work in, PR and Marketing. Is that what your background is?

BIFF: Background, Mr. Brennan?

TOM: Please, call me Tom, all my friends do…

BIFF: This is business, Mr. Brennan, not a friendship…

TOM: Well, I want you to be comfortable just to call me “Tom”.

BIFF: I ’m quite comfortable calling you “Mr. Brennan”. Take it as a sign of my respect. Enough said.

TOM: Not to change the subject…but HOW did you hear of me?

BIFF: Sources. Extremely sound and reliable sources. And be assured: they know you very well.

TOM: Uh huh (long pause as Biff stares). Well, back to the book. I love the characters Sheldon Greenwald, kind of the Woody Allen-type who turns out to be a solid and strong character, and Tara Firm, the sexy and wonderfully intelligent woman, and also her Navy Seal fiancé, the protagonist of the story… Are any of these based on you or someone you know?

BIFF: You’ve had a good look at me Mr. Brennan……what do you think?

TOM: I would guess the Navy Seal in physique and bearing.

BIFF: An astute observation, but novels are a way to bring out different facets of one’s self. Let me say I feel CLOSE to ALL the characters.

TOM: But the Navy Seal….

BIFF: I received training, it is safe to say, in both the physical and the operational aspects of helping our nation’s security.

TOM: So YOU were a Navy Seal…

BIFF: Training can come from many sources. Speaking in marketing and PR terms, let us say I have experience keeping the US of A Brand number one around the world.

TOM: (somewhat puzzled) So, propaganda….

BIFF: I prefer the word “patriotism”.

TOM: Well, let me just say I love America, Biff.

BIFF: I would not be here, and quite probably you would not be here, if I had heard otherwise.

TOM: (pause) Well (cheerily) back to the book. It is a knockout of a first novel, I must say. The language, the situations, the timing! Why a romance novel of all genres? I would have thought adventure or suspense.

BIFF: So, just because I'm straight, tough and may know my way around explosives means I don't have a heart?

TOM: I didn't say that--

BIFF: Every time I was in drug store, grocery store or airport, I saw shelves line with romance novels, written for women of course. I finally picked one up, read two pages and nearly dry-heaved. That's when the inspiration came, to write a romance novel for men.

TOM: I imagine there's a chance that your point-of-view and vernacular may offend some women. Don't you worry about women reading it out of curiosity to get a man's idea of romance?

BIFF: It's a free country, which I'm proud of, and I can't stop them from reading it. But I named it "For Men Only" for a reason. Women should treat it like a men's locker room - Enter at your own risk.

TOM: There is a feel here of a movie. Have you considered that as well?

BIFF: I love Film. As you know, Film is an Artform, and also a Weapon. I have considered Steve Carell as Sheldon, Matthew McConaghey as The Navy Seal….yes, I have given it some thought. Maybe Adam Sandler as Sheldon. And Tara Firm, what a delicious and fulfilling role for some actress, but I don’t know who yet. It is a distinctly cinematic book and was intended that way. There are many producers and directors in this current climate who will see what I am getting at.

TOM: If I may, back to the people who referred you to me…

BIFF: Let me just say they are among producers and editors that you have worked with in media. They shared with me the fact that you have gotten authors on “Oprah”, “The View”, New York Times, Washington Post, “The O’Reilly Factor”….All places where I want to be and where you WILL get me. They have shared with me the fact that you have helped some authors get their book published. I am a man of action and I can sense that you will act when needed or otherwise assume the consequences of inaction.

TOM: But if you could mention a name I would love to thank them for the referral…

BIFF: Let’s leave it at this: I know who they are and where they live. Their thanks will be that I am watching over them in a sense.

TOM: Hmmmmm, you’re watching over them?

BIFF: I like to take care of good people.

TOM: (Another Pause) Back to the Book: Again, I’m fascinated by your inside knowledge of how marketing works and how you find the exact satiric elements in it. Where does that come from, specifically?

BIFF: As I say, I’ve written a great deal in OTHER AREAS down the years, and helped to market things you have probably heard of in the news but didn’t know were done by ME. Suffice it to say: I AM A PATRIOT, Mr. Brennan.

TOM: Glad to hear it. You see the major theme in presenting a writer, and a part that you fulfill so well, is that hybrid area, where you have a background doing…uh…PR for our Government, and also in the private sector, and then you have that great comedic take. This is a hybrid story, which makes you more attractive to media outlets and to publishers and agents.

BIFF: Yes, I was informed you think this way. That you created this whole “hybrid” thing, if you will.

TOM: Yes, I will and I have. (I laugh. Biff does not join in the laughter. He stares straight ahead)

BIFF: Hmmm.

TOM: Well, back to the book…there is a great section where the main characters travel to Korea for a business conference. The Korean location really comes alive: is that a place where you have spent much time?

BIFF: Let me say, simply, yes.

TOM: Are we to infer a lot of time?

BIFF: No comment at this time.

TOM: Sheldon Greenwald is so fascinating as a lead character in that he seems nerdy but truly has a Zen calm and confidence in his own ability. This calm helps win out in the end. Did that come from a certain influence?

BIFF: There was a Slovakian gentleman who helped me learn the Taoist Art of Calm, but beyond that I can say no more.

TOM: This was in your Government work?

BIFF: I will say that in certain circumstances, the Slovakian gentleman helped me remember this piece of wisdom about things: Just because I was within my rights, did not make it right!

TOM: Hmmm.

BIFF: You say hmmm a lot, Mr Brennan.

TOM: Oh, I always do with friends I find interesting.

BIFF: You mean “client”?

TOM: Well, certainly we like each other…

BIFF: It’s not a matter of  “like”, Mr. Brennan. It’s a matter of trust!

TOM: But if we don’t like each other…..

BIFF: Lack of like I can live with. Lack of trust could get me killed.

TOM: I almost said “hmmm” again. Do you have influences that you can mention…other authors?

BIFF: Well, I find it curious, but no accident, that so many good satiric writers come from the world of PR and Marketing, as I have. You have Kurt Vonnegut Jr. who did PR work for GE, you have Joseph Heller of “Catch-22” who worked at a PR firm in Manhattan; you have Richard Condon, who wrote The Manchurian Candidate and Prizzi’s Honor. He came from a PR firm.

TOM: Why do you think that is?

BIFF: Never underestimate the power of media and marketing, Mr Brennan, and also the mastery of language one must have to find the exact five words for a slogan or a trademark. It’s a matter of syllabics such as only stand-up comics and comedy writers usually possess.

TOM: So, merging comedy with a marketing world background works well for you….

BIFF: It works perfectly well.

TOM: And that’s why we have this wonderful debut novel For Men Only by Biff McAllister.

BIFF: My sources were correct. I knew you would get it, Mr. Brennan.

TOM: (I hesitated for a moment) Your name, Biff MacAllister, it’s interesting. Is that the name you were born with?

BIFF: None of us were born with a name, Mr. Brennan.

With that, Biff immediately rose from the conference room chair, thanked me for my time, and simply said “Get this book published. I’ll be in touch.”

The next day there was a small white card next to my begonias on the balcony: “Good Luck—Biff” it read.

For a copy of the manuscript of the comedic novel For Men Only by Biff MacAllister, please contact:

Tom Brennan Media

Phone: 310-829-5373

Email Tom
Tom Brennan Media